I was reminded by someone this morning that I hadn’t posted any new information about my health or the status of WickedWomanMag.com in some time. I do so now only because I am in no condition to answer more e-mail about what’s happening. I’m exhausted, sick and stressed enough to have zero patience. For that, I do sincerely apologize, but there’s a limit to my ability to deal with anyone else’s problems other than my own. I’ve reached that limit. So, this is what’s going on.
For those who don’t know the backstory, I learned that a tumor I’ve known I had for years was acting up in a very significant way and making me very ill. The result was that I had to keep the online magazine I’d just opened a week earlier closed. It remains closed to this day, but I am working to re-open it this month. My doctor is managing my condition with medication, but I’ve had a nagging feeling that there was more going on. I trusted my instincts and saw another doctor who specializes in this type of tumor. She’s ordered more tests–one of which I’d requested from my other doctor for over a year only to be told that it wouldn’t yield any pertinent information. The new doctor disagreed, but did say that the person reading the results had to understand what they were reading and that the test had to be conducted under certain circumstances to yield productive information. I am awaiting the proper circumstances as I write.
The new doctor also said that the first doctor may not have realized that there was another possible diagnosis. Although none of my options are good, should the newly theorized diagnosis turn out to be accurate, I will have to make some very difficult life choices.
I’m still settling my mother’s estate. I’m currently living in the family home and plan to give it back to the bank for a variety of reasons. Those reasons fall into two categories: 1) KeyBank gave my mother a home equity loan knowing that she had dementia and didn’t understand what she was doing, and; 2) this house is not conducive to the health of anyone with disabilities. When I first learned of my illness, I said that I’d be out by mid-November. I didn’t anticipate that I’d become even more ill or that the worsening of the illness would throw my body into a fibromyalgia flare that is one of the worst I’ve experienced in the 20+ years since I was diagnosed. I have no idea whether KeyBank will care that I’m sick; unable to pack up a house that’s been occupied for over 40 years more or less by myself on a good day when I’m not in a flare, and; have no way of earning money to move without seriously endangering my health.
The same is true of other people and institutions that are putting pressure on me. Basically, they don’t care that my health is awful and in dire jeopardy of becoming worse because I’m ignoring its limitations. They want what they want when they want it. I want to leave this house for reasons of my own, but that doesn’t mean that I can. Consequently, I am working my butt off to get WWM re-opened this month when I shouldn’t even be thinking about it. I should be doing nothing but watching television and taking care of as many of the day-to-day chores one has to do in order to survive as I can without worrying about the rest. Instead, I’m living 24- to 36-hour days and spending every dime I have and then some to re-open WWM and gear up for a crowdfunding campaign to follow. I am beyond exhausted. I am beyond bodily agony. Two different doctors in two different fields are deeply concerned about the stress I am under, have thrown up their hands and sent me to a psychiatrist to prescribe stronger anti-anxiety medication.
I want to cry, but I can’t because that takes time and energy I can’t spare. However, my desire to fall into a crumbling, sobbing heap doesn’t mean anyone insisting that I do X right this second cares that their demands could land me in bed, unable to care for myself, my furbabies or anything remotely resembling a house for YEARS as long as they get what they want when they want it. I don’t even know if the two letters that have been written on my behalf by the two doctors mentioned above explaining my illness, and a third I can probably get in the next month, will hold off KeyBank. For sure, they won’t hold off the individuals who are bugging the living daylights out of me, accusing me of ignoring them when I don’t have the time or energy to check e-mail on more than one account every few days. It is time that people wake up and realize that everything does not revolve around them all the time and everything anyone does is not about them all the time. Since I have been guilty of being self-centered at various times, I do understand the mindset. That doesn’t mean I believe it to be correct or humane.
Am I angry? Um, no. I am furious. I am furious that supposed fellow humans can be so callous as to not allow me to be sick as opposed to pressuring me into losing my life to suit their needs. I have my own reasons for wanting WWM open and funded, and; trying to get out of this house and into one of my own as soon as I can. Left to my own devices, and without incurring as much of a risk to my health and life as I’m doing right now, I could probably make it by March at the latest. As it is, the only thing that’s happening is that the fibromyalgia flare is getting worse. The worse it gets, the more danger I’m in and the greater the possibility that I will become completely unable to care for myself for a very long time. It has happened to me before, but my mother was alive then. Now, there is no one to take care of me, let alone take care of my girls.
Finally, I will say this plainly as I can: Unless you are willing to in some way help me, encourage me, sympathize or offer constructive suggestions, please leave me alone! I will announce the re-opening of WickedWomanMag.com when it happens and I will definitely announce the upcoming crowdfunding campaign that will follow shortly on the heels of the opening.
Those of you who have been caring, kind and patient, I thank you and appreciate you more than you will ever know. I am trying to concentrate on you and others like you, not letting those less caring and patient get me even more stressed than I am already. Other than tune everyone out, which is pretty much what I’ve been doing, that’s the only possible course of action.